Fear the spoon wielding teenager!

We are cute, dammit!

Being an Asian and being a tranny aren't the same thing.

The probability you're dealing with a straight is determined by what comes out the back end here.

Was that an unnecessary euphemism for playing with yourself?

I never thought I'd have to explain that I meant the phrase "Release the turtle methane" literally.

I never thought I'd have to explain that I meant the phrase "Release the turtle methane" literally.

This week's episode of post-fraternity homoerotic nostalgia is over.

The three things you can't fake are erections, competence, and creativity.

The last thing we need right now is to go to an alternate universe.

How important are those panties to you?

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

I'll rock your lederhosen!

Don't mess with Socratic ninjas.

In counterpoint you only climax once.

Now if you’re a parent and your kid is having sex with flaming animals, I would get that checked out.

I think my toes are jealous of my fingers because they get to point at things.

Monday! Ha! Ha!

Stop tickling the milkman!

I'm in the mood to party. Or fold laundry.

The art of subtlety is not lost on a llama.

Think quotable.

It was a weird, sausage filled week.

You're evil, and I like that in a leader.

It's starting to sound like a fondue hentai.

Quit touching my penis! ...I mean, my belly button.

Please refrain from licking our windows.

Just standing around looking beautiful is so boring... Really boring... So boring.

Hey, all I know is lonely men love chicken.

If only there was some way I could get Al Gore to choke you to death in your sleep.

The universe is telling me not to have a cookie. Stupid universe!

Sometimes I drink myself into a depression. Especially when I’m depressed.

Let's not take our ankle bracelets too seriously.

If a raven flies into your delicatessen and steals an entire salami, then it's either an act of God or it isn't.

You can make more money with porn than you can with corned beef.

Tempers are...fugid. Is that a word? OK, flaring.

Lick this and tell me it isn't delicious!

Satan is in the store! He's trying on lingerie.

What were you doing in my crotch?!

She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

Flying monkeys stole my icon. Damn them.

That's my opinion, and if you don't like it, I have others.

Eternal darkness... well that's just great.

There's no way you can suck hair.

People keep saying 'this is long', but I don't think that word means what they think it does.

A law against bestiality is not what prevents people from fucking goats.

Robber barons. People that rob you. That's negative.

It's not like he wears a necklace with an ear on it or anything.

If it doesn't do anything, it must be art.

Some people put, like, pink highlighter on it. That's always a nice, manly color.

Wagner took my balls!!!

Either my dog is eating my underwear, or my vagina is so acidic it's burning holes in them... Neither of which I would be pleased about.

Apparently, I have a vagina. I mean, I always kind of wanted one.

So many people not give to me money!