I can't get the studs out of my hole.

These are the finest butts I've ever seen. In fact, I just boned them myself!

Oh, I can't. It's drag queen puppet bingo night.

Just after Ballcock and just before Bang...what a position!

So, November is like solidifying crap?

Hey guys...does your hand ever get sweaty on the mouse?

So, like, what if like when Jesus comes, you're in the bathroom? Like, what do you do?

Can you imagine if vaginas had brains?

If we don't get there soon, my uterus is going to fall out.

Well, I know I'm going to see at least one more naked person this weekend than usual.

And don't play frisbee with a beluga whale. They've been known to masturbate with them.

If things made sense around here, it wouldn't make sense!

My menstruation looks like meat. Is that normal?

I'm left wondering precisely what orientation my soy milk is.

You have to have an alternative pie!

Better people have tried. Including naked people and space aliens.

It's rule 34 of the internet: If you can imagine it, there's porn of it.

You were once shoved headfirst through someone's vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?

Stupidity is meant for sharing. That's why politics were invented.

I am an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people.

You're part of the establishment, you're stealing my brainwaves. That's a crime dude!

Yeah, they're funny, but they just don't belong on bananas.

Welcome to the future, where there are many different kinds of meats.

If it comes with tires or testicles, it's bound to cause trouble.

No store down here sells tongue. I am NOT entitled to tongue.

It was the last word after cock-gobbling that took some effort.

I am better at injection than I am at blow.

So the erectors didn't come...

Like, that's not even possible unless you swallowed a penis...or ate a baby.

I'm elated because every thread needs a zombie.

There's never a goose around when you need one.

If I dropped everybody who occasionally said something stupid from my list of potential partners, I wouldn’t even be able to masturbate

The cake is a lie. The cake is always a lie.

Home is where the pancreas is.

I thought it was an "Oh my god, ponies!" moment.

I like the long, hard ones. Oh, my God, that's going straight onto the Internet, isn't it?

I was thinking I would drill my tail hole before I paint it.

So what's up with guys always having to spread their seed?

With my luck I'll be the girl with the twenty-foot clitoris.

The eyes are the groin of the face.

I cannot even begin to tell you about the ridiculousness of yogurt.

Then I was walking around for a few months without an elbow.

Fish tacos make me think bad things.

Asians make the best trannies.

Quit staring at my taco!

There's a gay singer in my bra.

So, yeah, it was rigidly pressed in the watershed.

Cut off my screamy pants.

Geeze, people are after our chicken like crack. Our chicken is crack!

Say your prayers, mantis pants!

His nipples were as big as clouds.

I cant have a drawer labeled "pirate hats" without pirate hats. That'd just be silly.

Lady, people are not chocolates! Mostly what they are is bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.

That's the problem with theoretical physics. Someone always ends up getting shot.

Semen plastic??? I don't want any of that cheese!

You have no idea how satisfying it is to drill a really good hole.

That's the problem when you have so many players and only one silent toilet.

I've got 20 on gay lumberjack porn.

Yeah, so I'd be like throwing up and stuff, and thinking about whether it was musical or not.

There's no time for crazy anal tonight. There's never time for crazy anal.

No, no, that's the one for idiots. I want the one for dummies.

Just some flippy-trippy sausage making music!

I'm so not on the right drugs for this.

You are such a little turd-burglar!

He's in touch with his bowel movements, I'll give him that.

Looks like a free hand job to me.

Today our topic is going to be "Eating Out and Not Blowing It."

I have clearly been watching too much porn cause I can actually read that sign in Spanish.

Do you prefer the superhero theme to us in only aprons, holding penis cakes?

Wow, that has to be the best genital analogy ever!

Lord, I can't even fit in there! I'm just gonna hold it.

Why does everyone want me to eat shit out of their mouths today?

Did I forget to wear underwear? Again?

I can hear the doink doink noise in my head.

That's what you call buttocks! Buttocks!!

I think it's just going to be a roll on, roll off kind of thing.

Yeah, my clarinet teacher changed her hair product.

Can you be more specific? I thank you for sex.

I did the whole Manhattan/Long Island/Westchester Jew thing this year.

Your excretory system is working properly.

Never travel without a spare Betty!

Geez, what is it about office furniture that turns people into complete blithering imbeciles?

If you can fix your own car and handle your erection, you've got it made.

Tequila goes straight to my crotch.

Yeah, that place has pretty good sandwiches. Plus, there's someone there I want to fuck.

Mike does amazing things with his wood! I just love his wood!

I wish they'd separate my penne and my quiche.

I'm sorry, but if I were your neighbor, I would not share an opossum with you!

Birds are the greatest invention ever!

Are we still talking about bananas?

I know some days I feel watermelon pink... and no one can stop me!

I'm a cop, you idiot! It's not a tumor!

It's going to be a Zombie apocalypse. Pack a can opener.

If you can get it from a lizard she probably has it.

I hate it when people misuse the term "Kafkaesque". It's so annoying.

I fear the consequences of hitting a cop wearing pink.

My beer tastes like my back pocket.

I forgot my name once. It was kind of fun.

It doesn't look like an optical illusion.

I don't do sevenths. Homie don't play that.

Don't you hate it when the hole in your underwear is in the wrong spot?

Did you draw on my banana?

One of these days I'm gonna get arrested for hating someone to death.

Well, maybe rubbing soybeans over my body would be silly, then.

I did that last time and ended up with random things up my ass.

My political views are purely facial-hair based.

She fondled my pancakes. She's a pancake fondler!

But regardless of you telling me not to ask, I have to ask: Watermelon Ninja?

I need more people in my life who love my knees.

I look like I smell like fish sticks.

Thaumaturgic bezoars in artificial billabongs will save the planet.

Most things seem simple until you understand them.

I've got so much more space between my thighs now too!

If I can't throw food at the wall, I don't want to join your revolution.

I would nail someone if they had some bacon right now!

Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I peed myself.

Her ass smells like World War II.

Lick the stamp, peon. LICK IT.

Being an alcoholic is much cheaper than being married.

I'm just waiting for a chlorine radical to come and bite me up the ass.

I hate to break it to you, but eighteenth century tonal music doesn't give a shit about your vagina.

I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.

You have enough people eating your placenta!

I know chickens don't have vaginas!

There's treasure in my pimples!

Wait until I get into my fecal matter/colon thing.

Yes. My loins... They long for the '40s.

They’re onto us! HIDE THE WOMEN AND THE MAPLE SYRUP.

How in the name of Zeus's Butthole is it my fault?

"Asshole" is not an alternative lifestyle.

90% of people are just place holders, consuming resources and waiting to die.

I'm not worried about the looks, I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten.

It was an irresistible mix of art and genitals.

My vagina was built for pyrotechnics, baby!

Bring your jerk on!

You want something to suck on?

Together, we are a perfect rainbow of transcultural germs.

She's in a beefy mindset.

Cranberry! It's my destiny!

The only flaw in this otherwise excellent plan is that I do not currently posess, or have access to, a uterus.

The only flaw in this otherwise excellent plan is that I do not currently posses, or have access to, a uterus.

Stop complaining about the gnomes; they live in your nose hair and have no interest in towels.

Kidney beans are the steak of beans, while black beans, if they were steaks, would be the bean of steaks.

Before grunge there was nothing. The world was hungry for grunge.

We all stand around and talk about our truculent staff.

What's next... Anything but the Swedish fish!

See, I drive a family car, so I'm not concerned about the size of my clitoris.

I just didn't know where to put the gonorrhea! It had to go somewhere, I just couldn't figure out where!

If you really want to be good you have to wear Hans Zimmer's panties.

I'm 103 years old. I hate snakes.

How many people actually want to see a movie where a girl's vagina has teeth?

Apparently, my body retains milk for comedy purposes.

Up to now, I've done little but twitch violently in reaction to the perpetual concerto of swamp sounds.

Man, it's a lot harder to have sex downtown than I thought it would be.

He said there's an unidentified liquid coming out of his cat's ass.

God, I'm like frickin walk of shame Barbie right now.

And his skin was like really flesh colored.

And here I am working my ass off with beaver juice.

Problem -those first two annoy me and the third one made my butt hurt.

So! They laugh at my boner, will they? I'll show them! I'll show them how many boners the Joker can make!

Robin Williams is actually Geronimo, gothed up? That explains a lot.

I don't like the looks of your uterus.

Happy Harry is so happy he looks like he was hit by a bus. That’s what happy means in French. Hit by a bus.

Once I've seen your underwear, you are no longer a threat.

I think I seriously just talked to a gremlin. It wanted pants.

I may have to rethink my whole relationship with eggplant.

It isn't love. It's lust. Waffle-induced lust.

I think I could drink my own blood. Is that weird?

I have never been more flaccid in my life!

Yes, urination is always a treat.

I cannot draft a contract using only Venn diagrams, mathematic equations and animé references!

You know what, if a vagina was used by 15 different people, that vagina would probably be as wide as this door!

So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.

You can't just not smell his pillow.

Sometimes I wish I had a job where I could potentially cut my hand off.

I'm getting my back waxed for charity.

I say it, it comes out of my mouth, that makes it REAL!

Please don't pick at my butt on the escalator.

Normally when you say that, my asshole starts puckering!

I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.

Is that you, Bizarro Rattslinger?

If I can't tell if you're shouting gibberish to your neighbor or talking to me, you're doing it wrong.

Fear the spoon wielding teenager!

We are cute, dammit!

Being an Asian and being a tranny aren't the same thing.

The probability you're dealing with a straight is determined by what comes out the back end here.

Was that an unnecessary euphemism for playing with yourself?

I never thought I'd have to explain that I meant the phrase "Release the turtle methane" literally.

I never thought I'd have to explain that I meant the phrase "Release the turtle methane" literally.

This week's episode of post-fraternity homoerotic nostalgia is over.

The three things you can't fake are erections, competence, and creativity.

The last thing we need right now is to go to an alternate universe.

How important are those panties to you?

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

I'll rock your lederhosen!

Don't mess with Socratic ninjas.

In counterpoint you only climax once.

Now if you’re a parent and your kid is having sex with flaming animals, I would get that checked out.

I think my toes are jealous of my fingers because they get to point at things.

Monday! Ha! Ha!

Stop tickling the milkman!

I'm in the mood to party. Or fold laundry.

The art of subtlety is not lost on a llama.

Think quotable.

It was a weird, sausage filled week.

You're evil, and I like that in a leader.

It's starting to sound like a fondue hentai.

Quit touching my penis! ...I mean, my belly button.

Please refrain from licking our windows.

Just standing around looking beautiful is so boring... Really boring... So boring.

Hey, all I know is lonely men love chicken.

If only there was some way I could get Al Gore to choke you to death in your sleep.

The universe is telling me not to have a cookie. Stupid universe!

Sometimes I drink myself into a depression. Especially when I’m depressed.

Let's not take our ankle bracelets too seriously.

If a raven flies into your delicatessen and steals an entire salami, then it's either an act of God or it isn't.

You can make more money with porn than you can with corned beef.

Tempers are...fugid. Is that a word? OK, flaring.

Lick this and tell me it isn't delicious!

Satan is in the store! He's trying on lingerie.

What were you doing in my crotch?!

She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

Flying monkeys stole my icon. Damn them.

That's my opinion, and if you don't like it, I have others.

Eternal darkness... well that's just great.

There's no way you can suck hair.

People keep saying 'this is long', but I don't think that word means what they think it does.

A law against bestiality is not what prevents people from fucking goats.

Robber barons. People that rob you. That's negative.

It's not like he wears a necklace with an ear on it or anything.

If it doesn't do anything, it must be art.

Some people put, like, pink highlighter on it. That's always a nice, manly color.

Wagner took my balls!!!

Either my dog is eating my underwear, or my vagina is so acidic it's burning holes in them... Neither of which I would be pleased about.

Apparently, I have a vagina. I mean, I always kind of wanted one.

So many people not give to me money!

We have to eat our own children before someone else does.

That is not my ass!

It's all 'Breathe in, breathe out.' I hate that shit.

Not directly on it, stupid!

Excuse me while I quell the nuclear holocaust in the kitchen.

She's banana-whacked. She's a banana-whacked slut.

Drugs might make it easier to act like a complete idiot but they are not a requirement.

It's like when you walk into a bathroom with a corpse in the tub and go, 'Wow, just look at that tile pattern!'

There's dinosaur piss in everything!

All the men aren't going to be like, 'Oooh, Prada bag!'

You know, I don't want to include too much information, but my pants fit much better now.

My boner loves getting letters!

Bungee boobs are a serious problem in New Jersey.

Just this time, you're not allowed to suck your own dick.

That's the last time I catch a falling baby.

Well, I'll be dipped in dogshit!

Watching porn with your cat is kind of creepy.

The world is about to come to an end and I'm going to miss it because I have to poop.

The subway doesn't love you.

I've always wanted to go to bed with an orangutan, but I guess I never will.

That's why I don't like bananas, they're just too unpredictable.

I like to beat my meat when it's this thick.

Ed Blackwell is important in the scheme of things.

Penis! Penis, penis, penis! Big fucking erect penis, Mom!

I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tingling!

Don't forget the buttocks!

All cod. No mystery.

Everywhere I go in your city there's, like, no eggnog.

The vagina? Oh, you mean the dog leash.

Why are you texting "nipple pasties?"

Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I guess Rush Limbaugh and I weren't tied up and spanked by midgets, either?

Mmmm, tax-free gravy.

My point is...it has nothing to do with dogs. My point is that poetry is sick! It's emotional, sentimental, garbanzo...

An erotic magazine and a jar full of pickles? No...not this time.

Testicles. I repeat, testicles. That is all.

I can't find my penis! Damn these high-tech enclosures!

If fleas have invented transporters, we're all in trouble.

I love my brainwashings....they keep the cobwebs out.

It is simply prudent to know the difference between a necrophiliac and an aphrodesiac. Hopefully you'll never need to thank me for that.

It is simply prudent to know the difference between a necrophiliac and an aphrodesiac. Hopefully you'll never need to thank me for that.

I hear European funerals are kind of interesting, and anyway I'd like to spit in Stockhausen's face.

It's just strangely configured bacon, that's all.

Some of the looks I get, you'd think I was wearing a mask made from a puppy I gutted with my bare hands.

Hold on, hold on, I'm grappling with the philosophical implications of this pickle!